Steam Profile

Tuesday, October 27, 2015

Friendship and Betrayal

Most human beings are used to the concept of betrayal in one form or another. At some point in everybody's life, they encounter someone else who violates their trust, breaks their heart, or hurts them deeply: Such is the nature of being social creatures, I suppose. I learned about betrayal at a young age. I had a mother whom I was very close to, who I revered, yet one day she married someone and chose that person over me and turned a blind eye to the abuse I suffered for years. Later in life I have had relationships ending in heartbreak, on both sides, friendships that violated my trust, a family that turned on me when I came out of the closet, and suffered the loss of every friend from my childhood at the same time. Like everyone else on Earth, I've known betrayal. I've known betrayal well.

For many years as a young adult I shut myself off from the world. I kept coworkers at arms length, I dated and kept my partners distant from my heart. I lived through the motions of marriage for several years, before I could no longer pretend to be happy. As a result, looking back 16 year after I lost everyone in my life for coming out of the closet, I seem to be incapable of letting people get to close.

My question then is; Has the human race become so indifferent to the feelings of others that betrayal is not only an acceptable way to treat others, but is also to be expected? If so, then what does that say about the future of our species? If not, then is my own experience a case of above average betrayal compared to everyone else?

I was made to feel bad about myself for so many years growing up, some days I find it difficult to feel good about myself. Even though I am scared of being hurt, I still try once in a while to put myself forward and reach out to make an emotional connection with another human being. It always ends with betrayal, abandonment, or pain on my behalf, but I keep putting myself through it. Most recently I befriended a young 13-year-old person online who claimed to be transgendered. I was so touched by their story, I found myself coming to care for this child, who seemed so scared of coming out to her parents and family. This young child, is the same age as my Step-son, who lives with his other family, actually days apart in age, and their personality reminded of myself at her age. I fell into the trap of caring to much. One day this child comes out and tells everyone, myself, her other friends, that she is moving on to find a new group of friends and for all of us to take care, because she is disappearing. Essentially this person was playing games with everyone, my emotional heartstrings included.

Before this, I had met a fellow Pagan/Wiccan whom I shared a deep spiritual connection with. We were friends for over a year, speaking for hours each day, sharing knowledge and learning together. One day she decided to abandon me, never to be seen or heard from again, because her boyfriend was jealous of the relationship we had forged together. Even our deep spiritual connection and friendship was not enough to overcome her choice to abandon our friendship. Even my Ex, who I had been friends with for over 10 years and whom I went through an amicable and friendly divorce with, betrayed me, for someone they barely knew.

So, I am left to wonder if it is even worth allowing yourself to open up to another person emotionally, if all you ever end up experiencing is heartbreak and betrayal? This is why after 16 years I have no friends, because no one can be trusted enough to not hurt me. Don't get me wrong, I have acquaintances, who I talk to, sometimes regularly and am on friendly terms with, but I have no actual, real life friends. After my most recent experiences, I am starting to think maybe that is a good thing?