Hey There Everyone,
It's been years since I last wrote on my blog. First fighting an illness that we thought was CLL, but years later turned out to be an auto-immune disorder, Psoriatic Arthritis. The labs were throwing off similar numbers to CLL, and I was on a watch and wait for several years with my health deteriorating. Then I lost 2 of my fur babies back to back, One before Thanksgiving 2024, the other after Thanksgiving 2025, and I have just been lost ever since.
My spouse was awarded her VA Disability compensation, so we moved from Pennsyltucky, out to the west, bought a small house as a stepping stone to finding a larger homestead property. I spent the next few years fighting with the VA over my own benefits, finally awarded 100% total and permanent in May 2026. So one nightmare over, a million more fires to put out.
I was planning on getting back on stream again, but our new home doesn't offer privacy to have a stream setup. I'm currently running my rig from a corner of my Master Suite Bathroom, the double vanity sits behind me, and there is a door for the bathroom and shower, so it's a little cramped here and I haven't felt comfortable trying to turn it into a streamer space.
On top of that My Psoriatic Arthritis keeps going untreated. I've been in flare since June 2025, which led to several different specialties all speculating on what it was, everything from contact dermatitis, eczema, Papular-purpuric glove and sock, before a biopsy came back positive for Psoriasis. It progressed beyond Psoriasis into Psoriatic arthritis as my knuckles get the rash, elbows, knees, shoulders, knuckles of toes, and they can get swollen and painful. The skin consistently cracks, peels and bleeds, leaving me susceptible to bacterial infection, so I have to spend every day being careful, using a special antibiotic ointment, keeping my hands and feet clean, while managing the pain and having limited mobility.
On the bright side I've still been losing weight. I was as high as 330 at one point being diabetic and all, but I'm now under 240. I would credit VA Healthcare for everything, but honestly they let me go without treatment for Diabetes, the Psoriatic Arthritis, my PTSD, MDD, GAD, and Panic Disorder with agoraphobia all severe, from January 2025 until November 2026 when I finally was able to go to a Community Care provider outside the VA. In one day the Primary fixed my medications and put me back on the 11 year treatment plan I had been on for all medications. I've been fighting with the VA since November to allow me to go to a Rheumatologist, as Psoriatic Arthritis, is an advanced form of Psoriasis and I have had reactions to Biologics that have put me in the Emergency Room several times in the last 12 months, so it's important the auto-immune specialists take over now. I put them on notice this week of the errors and failures to provide basic standard care, with receipts to back up my claims, and I hope with my new rating, they will start taking my care seriously.
I have had a lot going on the last few years and haven't felt up to streaming, even though there have been a lot of games I would have loved to review for you. My illnesses make me tired all the time and between my PTSD and anxiety conditions and my Autism, I really struggle being social, so just getting on a camera, even with an avatar is difficult for me. I did it in the past because I thought I was bringing value to streaming, doing live game reviews for the first time so you could see everything in real time as I experienced it, I thought it was a good concept, but with my Autism, I think I limited my audience. I'm not a showman like my spouse, she can walk into a gas station and get 3 BBQ invitations, I'm more of a Data Analyst that does direct communication and doesn't vibe correctly. It's hard to explain but I seem to make some people uncomfortable because I'm not able to do the social dance very well, and I'm at a point in my life after all the illnesses I don't bother trying to mask anymore. I like me and the way I am is unique in many ways. I'm trying to embrace that. I still try to grow and learn new things, be a better communicator, but my brain will always function as a direct transfer node for information, so I know I will always struggle with limitations interfacing with others. I run on Linux, everyone else uses Windows, different operating systems, different communication and language style.
I really appreciate those who have followed my channel and supported me for years. I also appreciate those who have followed my blog years ago when it was active. I don't have friends, I struggle to make and maintain friendships due to my anxiety condition and autism, but I considered those of you who cheered me on and supported me, friends.
We were planning on staying in our current home a year or so, then selling and moving to a bigger acreage, Zone A-35, to be precise. In Colorado 35 acres or more gives you the ability to permit and place a private well. We wanted to build a homestead that could be self sufficient. It's been rough finding a unicorn property that fits everything we are looking for, Well, Septic, Outbuildings, acreage, and a home that has 2 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms minimum so extended family has a room if they need it. I had hoped if we could find something with a 3rd bedroom, I could convert it into my gamer cave and start streaming again. I have so many neat things for when I do start up again. Gamer decorations, 20 and 30 year old walkthrough manuals, an LED Triforce to hang, several old gaming systems, Xbox 360, PS2, Gamecube, plus games, and DVDs, I was going to nerd out the room and have it setup with interactive lights, but after we moved in I realized I didn't have the space for it.
I started my setup in the Livingroom, but family kept walking around in underwear and yeah no that wasn't going to happen. So after my anxiety got really bad I moved into the bedroom and setup in an empty corner of the bathroom where an old spa tub used to be. Not the ideal place for a setup, but it affords me privacy and I can run my command center when I want without bothering others.
Maybe if we do find a new place I will be able to have my Girl Gamer Cave after all, and turn it into something fun, interesting, and stream approved. Of course, I'm not sure what is going to happen in the future. My spouse has to go in for a contrast MRI, as doctors think she may have a mass in her brain. I've tried not to be scared, kept a brave face for her and encouraged her to get the scan, so she can hopefully get some answers. She goes in for the test in a few weeks, but I'm completely terrified.
We have been together for 16 years, married 13 of those because it wasn't legal to marry until 2014 in Pennsylvania. We married in Norristown during that narrow window they opened it up to LGBT people, then the state Supreme Court validated those marriages and codified it into law, so we don't count 13 years, we count 16. It's been a rough and at times wild ride. I could write a book about it.
It's just that after that time, finally having someone I want to share life with who understands me about as well as anyone ever will, I think about life and she is the only friend I actually have in the world. I think about all the times I have tried making friends, a pagan circle I joined years ago and immediately felt uncomfortable with but stuck it out because my spouse told me I needed to give them a chance. All of them turned out to be trump supporters in the end, so my initial suspicions were dead on. I've tried making other friends online, and they have lied and borrowed money claiming they needed to cover a bill just before Christmas, and come to find out they bought an expensive skin on a game. So we went without that Christmas trying to help a friend. It's hard to trust people, but it's almost impossible to find people who can truly trust to have your back no matter what. Sadly that's the kind of friend I tend to be, until someone lies to me or stabs me in the back. It happens a lot, so I don't bother trying anymore.
Before Hermione and then Remus passed away I spent most of my time with them. Hermione was a cute little black cat who loved to talk, so I would talk back to her and have conversations. They may have been one sided of course, but there were times when it felt like she understood and I understood her. Remus was a little shyer, quiet with gigantic wide eyes, that made him look permanently surprised. I had them for 14 and 15 years respectively and they were my whole world. From the day Hermione was born and I cut her umbilical cord, then had to bottle feed her because her mama Nymphadora was so small and weak she couldn't care for all 3. Hermione was the tiniest of all 3 in the litter. I raised her by hand and she never left my side. Her loss in every sense was no different than had I birthed her myself and lost a human child. A part of you is lost that day and you have to learn to navigate life with that damage ever present. When she passed I wasn't in a good place to stream so I paused. I had hoped I could grieve and then get back to it, but Remus ended up passing almost exactly a year later, and at that point I was just a complete mess.
My Panic Disorder and PTSD cause me to have severe agoraphobia, so I go weeks or months without leaving my house. Not by choice, I simply don't feel safe leaving. If I have a panic attack in public, it may be misinterpreted or misunderstood and someone may escalate with me, which would be dangerous, so I stay home and let my spouse go out and take care of things most of the time. It's sad I live this way, but it's good that I can stay home and feel somewhat safe. Safe isn't something I'm familiar with yet, but I'm working on it.
I don't know what I'm going to do if my spouse does have a tumor in her brain. I know what I have said I would do if anything happened to her, and I do feel that is a plausible option still, but the thought of her dying, it's almost too much to even comprehend. If anyone should die first it's me, I'm already sick, getting worse, been to the ER 4 times this year, none of the medication for PsA has been effective, so it's basically the flare that never ends. Some time it feels like my hands and feet are held over a campfire, just burning. I use ice in a tub I can soak my feet in, and I will soak and then prop them up on my desk then resoak as the burning comes back and I'll do this for 12 - 18 hours in a day sometimes. Other days they don't burn they are just cracked open to the meat and bleeding, peeling all over and I can't walk. If I didn't have my spouse to help me through this I would be totally screwed. So as far as I'm concerned she doesn't deserve to go first, I do. It would be a relief.
But I hope this is just something to do with her TBI, maybe scar tissue or something and that's all it is, and she'll be fine. I tell myself this because I have to, the alternative is to much to bare and no matter how amazing I am as a problem solver or troubleshooter, this isn't something I can fix. In a real sense I felt like I failed Hermione when she got a tumor and passed away 4 months later. I felt like a horrible failure when Remus developed a tumor on his neck that affected his jaw, and I had to put him to sleep. I still hear his little yip when they gave him the needle and the look he gave me that I betrayed him. The thought of losing my spouse as well... I'm not religious folks, I don't believe in an all powerful deity. I've read stories of babies being murdered and worse, I've looked around the world and seen atrocities against those who can't defend themselves and I'm sorry, any Deity that can allow something to happen to babies and children and can justify letting it happen without intervention, is total BS in my book.
So I won't ask for prayers, but I would appreciate it if you can keep me and my spouse in your thoughts. Maybe things will work out and we can build our dream homestead together, raise chickens, a piglet or two, plant some cold weather pear trees and apple trees, have our indoor hydroponic garden and an outdoor garden as well. I would love to be able to setup cameras to show that to my viewers one day. They can watch me play a new game or review a game and see our new adopted babies Eddie Spaghetti and Cheddar Cheese run around playing, see the garden or the hydroponic garden, and see me play on twitch. A day in the life kind of setup. A slice of real life, brought to you by me and my family. Jen told me she would be onboard to be a part of it, and the banter we come up with... You folks would be rolling on the floor dying. We come up with ignorant shit to sling at each other, but it's all in fun. We do it as a little game.
I'm really sorry I haven't been on sooner to give an update. With the last 2 years fighting the VA for my benefits, and the move, the losses, I've been overwhelmed and not in a good place mentally. Now that some of those stressors are behind me, I am hopeful I will be able to start doing more. Even if I can't stream right now, maybe I can jump on here and update everyone now and then, let people know how we are doing, what our plans are and so on. So if you've been following me for years thank you friends, if you are new, welcome, would love to have you along for the journey. Stay safe out there.
Lunaril
